Sometimes you just get stuck with things. You can bob and weave all you like, but every so often you just have to gonad-up and take what’s coming to you. This happened to me last weekend. My eight year old son took his first Taekwando test, and instead of accepting a celebratory milkshake afterwards he informed me that he’d rather go see “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked.” Later that evening, his gerbil died. Under those circumstances I think even Hitler would have said, “Ok, fine. Let’s go see the goddamned Chipmunk movie.”
So it started pretty much like I’d expected, except there are six Chipmunks (the original three and three chick-munks). All six of the vermin and Jason Lee get on a cruise ship, where they meet David Cross (who spends the entire movie in some kind of duck costume). Then I nodded off for a while. When I awoke, everybody was on some kind of desert island. I don’t know what happened exactly, but the gist of it was that Alvin pulled some shit and everybody else suffered as a result. (Wait- was that a spoiler? That’s probably something that was in the trailer, right? Besides – the fucking movie is subtitled “Chipwrecked”, so you do the math.) On the island they meet Jenny Slate, who is actually pretty funny IRL but in this movie plays a surprisingly hygienic castaway who keeps making references to Tom Hanks’ “Castaway.” (I’m sure none of the kids in the theater had seen the previous movie, so I guess that was a little Easter egg for the parents in the audience. Thanks for the hilarity, Chipmunk Movie People.) Jenny Slate has been on the island for a while so she’s developed an impressive infrastructure which includes the installation of a pretty advanced zipline through the jungle. (This part I actually enjoyed – see, there are ziplines in the new Assassin’s Creed and every time I use them I like to shout, “Zipline, motherfucker!!” as I sail through the air. As Alvin zipped along, I imagined him yelling, “Zipline, motherfucker!” in his crazy high-pitched chipmunk voice and for a moment I didn’t mind being there.)
Not long after that I dozed off again. I woke up as the group was escaping the island (Oh, is that a spoiler? The fact that there was not a grotesque death scene in a fucking Chipmunk movie?) and somehow they paddled a raft to a destination that allowed the rodents to perform at an award show.
This movie taught me the following things:
- David Cross, Jason Lee, and Jenny Slate are all talented, funny people, but even talented, funny people gotta pay the bills
- I’m getting super good at napping as I get older
- I can probably make an Assassin’s Creed reference in ANY movie review.